Being single (part one)
I was riding with a friend today and was asked to pick a new CD to play. I put in the first disc that wasn’t labeled “random hot mix”, which happened to be Joshua Radin’s Simple Times. For those who aren’t familiar with Radin, he’s a 20-something guy who sings with a guitar [1]. His songs are simple and honest, and when they play one at a time on Pandora, they’re actually pretty good.
As I listened to four of his songs in succession, however, I started to notice a pattern. His happy song is about noticing a cute girl driving by his house every day. His pensive song is about gathering up the courage to ask a girl out. His sad song is about trying to forget his ex-girlfriend’s face. His hopeful song speaks confidence that he’ll finally be okay, after “a long long time” of mourning the breakup. Clearly there is a trend here. But what bothered me as I listened is that Radin isn’t alone. He can make a living singing because his songs echo the cries of millions of young men and women. Millions who are spending their whole selves looking, longing, chasing after that “special someone”. Millions who have missed something important.
Being single is a gift.
Marriage is a beautiful thing, as is the growth of a relationship up to that point. But the fact that marriage is a gift doesn’t negate the fact that being single is a gift too.
I can hardly begin to count the things I can do as a single man that I couldn’t if I was married, engaged, or otherwise “taken”. I can focus my time and energy on my education and my work. I can relate to teenage guys and talk with them in ways that I’ll never be able to again. I can come home to read and write and think late into the night. I can give more generously to others, because I don’t have anyone besides myself to support financially. I can take risks which might otherwise be imprudent. I can get up and move pretty much anywhere without seriously affecting others, so I don’t have to worry that I haven’t a clue where I’ll be six months from now. My time as a single young man is just as special and just as important as any other time in my life.
As clear as this point is, it is excruciatingly difficult to believe and to live out, because our culture, our churches, and even our own minds are telling us otherwise.
I hardly need to comment on culture at large as a foe in this struggle. Based on what popular media says, about the only advantage to being single is the ability to partake in one night stands without arousing the jealousy of a significant other.
Nor do I need to need to expound on my mind as the second foe. Puberty happens; it’s part of God’s plan. But that also means that unless I train and guard it carefully, my mind will drift, nay, run to places it shouldn’t. It’s a strange contradiction: it is good to eagerly look forward to marriage, to hope for it, perhaps even to long for it. But when those thoughts fuel dissatisfaction with the life God has blessed me with here and now, they become wrong.
The Church hasn’t been much help in this struggle either. Marriage is assumed, and the discussion inevitably centers on choosing a spouse, and never on the more fundamental questions of whether, when, or why one should get married. While I’ve heard more than a few sermons and classes on Proverbs 31 (“A wife of noble character… is worth far more than rubies”), I don’t recall ever having a serious discussion in about 1 Corinthians 7 (“He who marries his girl does right, but he who does not marry her does even better”). Let me say again that marriage is a good thing, a sacred, wonderful, and incredibly important thing, and I’m glad the church is talking about it. But the message to the rest of us - sometimes subtle, sometimes explicit - is that we have a problem that needs to be fixed.
That’s a problem that needs to be fixed.
So I beg you, join me on this journey of renewing heart and mind, attitude and relationships. To those who are single, promise me that you’ll search out unique gifts God has given you in this unique phase of your life, and then use those for all they’re worth. For those of you who are married, live your marriages to the fullest. Make us envy you, even. Keep encouraging the budding relationships and keep sharing our dreams. But when we look at you, please smile back and remind us how valuable our time as single men and women is.
Thanks.
Footnote: A couple things have changed since I wrote this a few weeks ago. First, I now have a plan for where I’ll be six months from now (still here at Stanford, pursuing a PhD). Second, we started a Bible class series at church on “Christian families”, and lesson three is about the unique challenges and blessings of being single. God enjoys irony, I think.
[1] Okay, Radin is actually 38 as of this writing. But given the content of his songs and his popularity with teenage girls, 20-something is a fair approximation.
